Conversation
by Sailor Event Horizon
Summary: Conversations can have a life of their own. They flow like rivers, revealing things that become worn with time. It will start on one subject while end on a completely different one. Such is the nature of Human Conversation. Please Read and Review.


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Hi!This is story number 5! ^_^From yours truly, ME! ^_^

Okay, enough with the fluff.I'm back to my serious routine here.I know, so sad.(no pun intended.)After that last one I did,I got a lot of nice comments, I mean **WOW**! ^_^I had never received so many reviews in so short a time!In one day I received more reviews than my other stories had **ever** received, and they had been up for months! ^_^And not one flame, either!

Thank you so much! ^_______^You have my eternal gratitude. ^_^

Well.. I guess I'll get on with it…

Title:"Conversation"

Rating:PG/PG-13(got a little language in here… that's it though… *shrug* nothin' serious)

Author:Sailor Event Horizon

E-Mail:[StrfltAcd@aol.com][1]

Disclaimer: I do not own Mobile Suit: Gundam Wing. It is copyrighted to Sunrise, Bandai, and Sotsu Agency. (Believe me, I'm as upset over it as you are.)

Okay… **_READ_**:

1)This is meant to be serious.There may be confusion at the where this story is going, but if you read it all the way through… I think you may be pleased.It's not so much based on a theme… as it is the… conversation.It's a simple story.Not too much brain power I wouldn't think.I just got an idea for the first 7-9 paragraphs and then suddenly: WOOSH!Out came the rest. ^_^;;

2)The name "Anika" is used in this story.Let it be known that this has nothing to do with any of my other stories.(None of my stories have anything to do with each other, actually.)I just like the name, that's all. ^_^

3)And one small thing, I have a word in here, "terrored" that my spell-checker doesn't recognize.I don't know if it's a word or not but I like it!So it stays! (Hey, call it the author equivalent of Poetic License. ^_~) 

4)And remember, this is a **conversation**, not a real "story."It doesn't focus on any plot line as much as what is said, how it is said, and who the speakers are.Okay?

Thank you, I hope you enjoy this. ^_^Please Read and Review! ^_^Or E-mail me at my aforementioned address.^_^Thank you again!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

He is looking out the grimy window of a shabby motel.It is late and the room is dark.Blocks of reflected streetlamp light pour onto the dingy walls and over a chair and its occupant.His eyes move over the various edifices.The view isn't anything more than he had expected; although, of course, a little more would have been nice.

A light flashes at the top of one of the buildings in view.Two more, on the tops of some others follow.He shakes his head.Those days are behind him now.God knows how much he wanted to go out there and show them how to do it right but it just wasn't his business anymore.

A voice breaks him from his reverie.

"Huh?Oh.. sorry about that.. Got a little side-tracked," he smiles apologetically.Now what had they been talking about?_Oh… right…_

"Heero, I don't care what you say, you're so much like your daughter—and you don't even realize it!Anika clings so much to those she loves."He receives a mixed look."I know, I know… so does Relena.. but not like her.We both know Relena loves you—she wouldn't have married you if she didn't love you—but the only reason she clings to you is because she's afraid you'll fall if she's not there.Heero, you're so dependent!"

A low growl.

"No, no.Don't look me like that.."He shakes his head and brings a hand to his chest."Hey, I'm the same way.I'm not saying it's a bad thing, Heero.I mean, it's not **too** bad…It seems with us that we're either Hell bent on killing the enemy or so determined to live 'normally'—heh, or at least as close to it as we can get, considering how screwed up we all are—that we can't even stand up without support.Personally, I'd rather take the latter than the former…"

Some muttering.

He raises an amused eyebrow, "I never **said** that it made sense, Heero.But that's the way it is.We don't know how to deal with ourselves anymore, Heero.We did too much to just forget, and hell, we're too stubborn to see a shrink!"He then smirks, "Although God **knows** we all need one…

"But it is true.Hilde's the same way with me.For all the years we've been married, she's always been there—somewhere."He snorts."…God, she's one hell of a woman to put up all the crap that she has.And so is Relena.They 'cling' to us because they're afraid we'll give into the nightmares that haunt us so much.That one day it'll be too much and we'll just finally end it ourselves.

"And yes, I know you still have nightmares, Heero.We may not have talked about them for a long time, but I know you have them, as you know I do." His face is solemn, as is his voice."We're soldiers.We don't have to be psychic to know that we both see blood on our hands every time we look at them.

"But that's the reason they're always so close.Never far away.We've hardly ever worried about being without their support because they made sure of that.Because they made sure that we knew that they were there for us when we needed them.

"And Heero?…They're right to stay so close."

Pause.

More talking, some muted comments.

"It has everything to do with what I'm saying.Heero, unlike Relena, Anika doesn't cling simply because she worries.Even when she was a kid, Relena was very liberal about Anika.Oh, she'd keep her eye on her to make sure nothing happened, but mostly she was very relaxed.When Anika got sick was when she started being at her side every moment.Relena clings when she's worried about someone she cares for.

"Anika isn't like that.Anika sticks around those she loves simply **because** she loves them."He smiles, "I remember when she was ten, we were coming up the walk up to my door after going out to get something to eat.Anika came running up from around the corner and practically attacked you!You'd think you had been gone a month or something from the way she acted.Anika clings to those she cares about.Relena clings to those she worries about."

**_ _**

A low voice speaks again.

"You're **exactly** like she is."Pause."Or you would have been, at least, if it hadn't been for that damn dehumanizing training you went through…You may not act on your impulses, but you cling in your own style.The way you always stand beside Relena, Anika—or Hell! Even me, I can see that thread that connects you with them—us.Obviously, Anika is a lot more open about it than you, but you're the same.With you it's a mixture of caring and total unconscious dependency, but pretty much the same.I've also noted that she also shies away from crowds, away from strangers.You also do the same." Smirk."She's more like you than you want to admit."

Silence.

He speaks again, serious once more."I can see it," he taps beneath his eye. "You may not, but I do.Believe me, Heero, I do.And, Heero, when I say that she's almost exactly like you," he gives a small, kind smile, "that's a good thing.No matter what you believe."

The other occupant replies with heated words.

"Heero, that's not true."He is frowning, his voice sounds reproachful, "You're not a 'born killer.'Yes, you're a soldier.Yes, you've killed people.And yes, you have done things that you don't like to talk about.But so have I!Heero, no matter what you may believe… no matter what **_we_** believe, we are not born killers.

He leans forward in his chair, putting his elbow on his knee and resting his chin in his hand.

His voice is soft, "Despite what we tell ourselves and others.Despite how much suffering we've inflicted.Despite the terrored screams of our victims that we hear every night:

"We. are. not. born. soldiers.

"Nobody is born to fight.Not one of us was born with the genes to be automatic killing machines.It was bred into us, Heero.Bred.Do you hear me?Bred by the war, bred by the former Alliance, bred by our sufferings, our pain, our youth." His eyes become dark with hostility, "…Bred by the Doctors…

He forces the emotion from his voice before he continues, "I know for a fact that when I was seven or eight, I never once thought of being the almighty God of Death.Not once did I think of raising a scythe to cut the life thread of thousands of people.Not once.

"And I'll bet my cap that you didn't either."

He sits back up, "Oh, I know you were an assassin at that age.Or at least a protégé.But before then, or even during!Since I know you can't remember that far back, did you ever really **want** to be a soldier?Of course not.We were still oblivious to just how much one human hand could really change things.Oh, I wouldn't say we were innocent, I wouldn't dare insult either of our Pre-war selves' memories by saying that.Even after Sister Helen and Father Maxwell died, I didn't think of just how much power one human could **really** have.How much blood one could **really** spill.

"And then I met the good Doctor.Ah, yes.And then I learned what killing was **really** about.What **fighting** was really about.Hmm..Oh, yes, the 'good ol' days.'" He snorts again."Hmph..My, my, 'how time travels fast.'"He shakes his head."Back then, at the beginning, I never once realized just how much of an impact I was really going to have in that yet undeclared war.Or rather, how much that war was going to have an impact on me.

"Tell me, at the beginning of it all, did **you** have any idea what you were getting yourself into?"

A pause.

One sentence floats through the air before Nothing falls again.

Silence.

A drop of water.

He gazes softly, "Huh… 'live by your emotions.'Yeah, he did tell you that, didn't he?*I'll bet he never imagined just what that little bunch of words was gonna get you, did he?

"Mm, mm, mm… My goodness…"His gaze travels through the dirt-ridden window up to the top of the surrounding buildings.He stares for a while.His body never moving.Every so often a light flickers and then maybe two or three will follow.

"You know?Even now, I want to fight.I want to take up arms and show them what I can do.Show them something to prove who I really am, not **was**.It's calling me.And I'll bet it's calling you, too.The Fight.The Desire.The Passion.It runs so deep in us.In my heart I **know** I can do it.I **know** that I can fight. … But.. In my head," he briefly taps his temple, "I also know that it would be pointless.I'm slow.I'm out of touch.I haven't even touched a gun in twelve years.Haven't fought in twice that long.

"But I still want to.Oh, God, the power!The desire to fight is staggering.It burns so much!The nightmares of blood on my hands wakes me up countless nights yet I can't help but try to remember what it was like in battle.It was invigorating!Life and Death in your hands… or Death rather.. in my case..But the power!The call!You told me that when Wufei challenged you†, he asked if you only felt 'fulfilled' on the battlefield.Well, I don't know about 'fulfilled' but shit!… It came pretty damn close…So close…Hm.." his gaze becomes unfocused, "Sometimes I wonder… if it had been any closer.. could I have left?Could I still have been able to leave the fight?" He looks up, "Is that how you feel, too?Is that how you felt during the War, Heero?I can't remember anymore," he gesticulates, "to me the whole thing is just a big wash of emotions.Burning hatred, raw power," he stills, "…raw tears…" His head shakes once, "not my own, of course.But others'.I remember seeing a lot of tears during that War." His eyes turn again to the window.

"And yet… even now.Even after knowing what I went—what **we** went through… I still want to fight.To challenge Death just one more time, to show Him that his Chosen One, his self-appointed Angel of Death," his voice is hard as his eyes flash, "still won't go down without a fight!But…" he takes a breath, "I hold myself back, letting common sense and reason rule over what has been bred into me.However, the idea that we're here just because those kids can't hack into a security system while defending their position at the same time is not a pleasant one.

"Hackers.That's what we've been reduced to, isn't it?"He sighs slowly, but his gaze doesn't falter, still focused on the outside buildings."Nothing more than a couple of computer know-it-alls."

Another comment.

"Personally, I'd have rather not known about this entire operation, then I wouldn't be sitting here, bored out of my mind—which," he adds with grisly amusement, "is pretty far gone already.'Doing something is better than doing nothing,' is not always a true statement, Heero.Because I can think of another good axiom:

"'Ignorance is bliss.'

"Besides, it's not **our** fault that the Preventers don't teach their dingbats simple hacking skills.I'd rather be home then sitting in this waste dump of a motel.Shit!Sleeping in the old scrap yard would have been better than this."He kicks the walls in disgust.A roach crawls out of a nearby crack and slinks to another before it can become a permanent accessory to the floor.

A rueful comment.

"Ah, Hell!Who cares if I'm acting spoiled!I've got a right to be!Damn it, when they called me up and asked if my 'security' skills were still up to par I never imagined I'd be sitting in a shit-hole like this.I thought that I'd be **doing** something.And I'll eat my hat if you weren't expecting the same thing."

Shrug.

"Ha!I thought so!Maybe we weren't expecting to be toting a bunch of grenades or something, but we sure as Hell expected to be doing more than **this**!"

He slumps back down in seat, suddenly looking and sounding very tired.As though he had not slept in years.

"Heero.. why are we out here?Why did we suddenly agree to this when we knew that our fighting days were behind us?Why?"He looks to the window again."We're nobody, Heero.Nobody.Just a couple of legends in some History books.And even **they** don't really have that much on us.Not a name, not a picture, not an alias. Just a list of Gundams and zero-somethin's."

A serious reprimand.

"No!No, no, of course I don't want anybody knowing who I am.. who we are.It's just that… I mean…."A deep breath. "I… I…"He lets out a large sigh."I don't know… I guess… I guess I just don't like the thought of being forgotten… Maybe during the War, I got so used to the idea of going out in blaze of glory—which was always the most likely case for any of us—that I kinda didn't realize that maybe I **wouldn't** go like that…It never really occurred to me that I'd ever be doing anything but fighting… I mean sure, I **thought **about it sometimes, you know, for kicks… But seriously…"Another sigh.

"That damn doctor…Man, look at me!"His anger flares up again."Now I don't even wanna **die** without fighting!This is pathetic," his voice is filled with self-loathing."During the War and while Mariemeia was attempting her coup d'tat, I couldn't **wait** for it to be over, I couldn't **wait** for the battles to end.To actually live in **peace**.Not some cheap fabrication…And now look at me… It's all I want to do right now…To fight."

Silence.

He hears a soft voice.

He takes a breath."….Yeah.. yeah, you're probably right…"Once again he appears tired and worn.Years beyond his age."Oh God, what's **wrong** with us…"He swallows."Heero… Heero…."He closes his eyes."I just want to go home…I want to go home and see Hilde..Have her say everything's alright.." he licks his lips, " that everything's gonna be fine…Maybe hear from Sara… See Peter…"He bites the right side of his bottom lip for a moment."But.. but mostly… mostly I want to see Hilde…You know?Oh, God… I was a fool… **We** were fools!For accepting this.. What the Hell were we thinking, Heero?What the **Hell** were we thinking?!"

He's sweating and looks almost ready to have a panic attack when a hand grasps his upper arm and another his shoulder.The quiet voice speaks again.

He swallows and licks his lips.He closes his eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath.He's calm again.The demons have passed again for now.

He opens his eyes and stares into space.A sad and almost resigned look in his violet eyes."'We thought we could make a difference.' … Yeah.. I guess we did…

"Heero… Heero, we're stuck like this aren't we?There isn't anything we can do about it…"More words."'Soldiers…'Shit…. Even after all this time, to think that we're still slaves to Hell's demons.It ain't a nice thought, is it?To think that we still want to go out there.."

He exhales a deep breath."Oh, but that rush, that adrenaline rush.. There isn't anything like it, is there?"His face looks almost wistful."The power.. the excitement… the raw emotion… Nothing else like it…The feel of the controls… Ah, Heero… I want nothing more than to go out there… just one more time…

He senses the shaking of a head.It is followed by a low voice.

"Yeah, yeah… I know… Once more **would** never be enough.. I know that… I just…"He shrugs."I'm just talking nonsense, Heero.Forget it."

With hesitation, the hands lift themselves off.The action is followed by the sound of boots on a wooden floor and the creaking of a chair.

He stares out the window for a few more moments, thinking.And then, "You think we'll ever get over our training?I mean, like I said before… we were **bred **to be soldiers, not born to be… right?"He chews one side of his lower lip before asking, "Do you think we'll ever move on?"

A shrug.A word.

His voice is tired and sad as he responds, sounding years beyond what it should, "Huh.. yeah… 'maybe….'" 

Footnotes/clear-ups:

* Let it be known that this is an EPISODE ZERO REFERENCE!!Okay? ^_^ I don't want anybody to be confused.

† Endless Waltz reference.

   [1]: mailto:StrfltAcd@aol.com



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